What Hurts the Most?

I was online every single day but couldn't get myself to sit and update my blog. I was not really in a mood to do so. I'm really sad. My heart feels so heavy. Normally, at this time i'll break down and cry. But for some reason, this time, things are different. I can't cry. It's not like i don't want to cry but i just can't cry.

It's like my tears had dried up. I sat at my favourite balcony and was staring at the sky for soo long. I realised how alone i felt. I know i'm surrounded by family and great friends but i feel so lonely. I think i'm lonely because of my attitude of not wanting to add salt to a wound. I don't want people around me to feel the pain that i feel. I like to make people happy. I like to make them smile. Then again, sometimes i, myself forget to smile.

Ever felt like wanting to run away to some where far far away???? That's exactly what i feel. I want to run away to the fairy tale land that the story books tell. I want to run away to a land where a fairy god mother can change me to a beautiful princess........

My aunty told me that i'm only 19 and i should be enjoying life. I should be going out with boys and party until late night. Not sit at home and worry about things that i'm worrying about right now. But this is me. I can't simply pass the responsibility about my life to someone and fool around with other people!!!!!! It's my fucking life.......

I changed a lot compared to who i was before. I was told war in life can change even a stone hearted man. But the thing is i didn't change from a stone hearted person to someone who is sensitive about the surrounding. It's actually vice verse. I have became so much stronger. Mom said i'm so strong until i don't even realise the magnitude of my strength. She pointed the fact that people might be afraid of you because of your attitude of facing everything heads on.

Then again, i'm tired of changing myself for other people. I don't understand why people can't accept the real me but expect me to accept the real them. IS THIS WORLD THAT SELFISH?? WHY DO PEOPLE THINK ABOUT THEMSELVES ONLY???

I can't be angry at the world. But the main thing i have changed for the better. I like who i am now. OR DO I??? I don't know. I'll never know. At times i just wish someone will tell me what's going on and what i should do......... CAN YOU TELL ME?????